December 04, 2009

introspective

This came to me two days ago, while I was on the train ride to work, and purged from my earphones were familiar tunes that I used to listen to some 2 years ago - what I call the depressing music.

I guess, the thing about feeling sad or disappointed intensely, about the people or things around you, is that, it is also the time when you really get in touch with yourself, your innermost feelings. It is the time you just look inwards and feel what you feel, and in a way, indulge in that.

Happiness is more distracting. There are always people around to share happiness, people who are more than ready to share your happiness, whether you would like them to or not. Sometimes, it's like, the feeling of happiness is not entirely your own; you can't own it fully and feel its entirety just on your own.

But, the feeling of sadness, hopelessness, depressive feelings... those are really, truly entirely your own. In a way, that's comforting. In a way, to own a feeling in its entirety makes you feel more alive, even if and especially when that's accompanied by serious pangs of loneliness.

I believe, he or she who has not fully tasted loneliness, for a prolonged period of time, lacks the perspective to understand what I just wrote. Or perhaps, some people are just more adaptable to being alone and being lonely.

The ironic thing is, I actually, honestly miss those moments, sometimes. Not of loneliness, but of being able to immerse in the purest form of an emotion and to totally be overwhelmed by it such that, for that duration of overwhelmed state, nothing seems to matter. It's just my depressing mp3s and me.

Yup. That's the kind of moment.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:30